Thursday, May 17, 2012

Its a long one.


I'm a planner.
To a fault sometimes.
So of course, I had my life planned from the minute Travis asked me to be his wife.
We both wanted a big family.
I'm talking 5 or 6 kids.
So naturally we wanted to start pretty quick after we said I do.
We have some friends who got pregnant on their honeymoon, and while that wasn't necessarily what I wanted, in the back of my mind, it was what I thought would happen.
You see, Travis comes from a family of 9.
And his brother, he has 3 kids and they could've kept going if they wanted to, if you know what I mean.
So me and Travis having tons of kids, right away, that wasn't even a question in my mind.
Of course we would.

It didn't happen the way I planned.
1 year of trying turned into 2 years of trying, which turned into 4 and now, here we sit on 5.
I look back now and see Gods hand working in it.
We were long distance for so much of our dating relationship so I do believe that we needed those first couple years. To adapt. To really grow into our love.
And we would't have been able to build our dream house so early on in our lives.
That was such a blessing.
Of course there are other things too.
Vacations we went on.
Friends we made.
Growing in our faith.
I am so thankful for all of them

But back to the trying.
After about 2 years, we decided to see a doctor.
We started fertility treatments.
They didn't really know why it wasn't working {which I think is worse than knowing}.
The hormones made me crazy.
I was bloated and emotional and every month, not being pregnant felt like it was going to kill me.
I would beg God for a baby.
He gave me this desire after all right?
I would beg Him to take the desire away if it wasn't His will.
I just needed to not hurt for a baby anymore.

In the process of it all, I found out friends were going through the same thing.
We bonded and cried together and I felt a little less alone.
See that is one of the worst things about infertility.
Feeling all alone.
I can't even explain it.
I just felt so alone. Like I wasn't a whole woman. I couldn't do something that was soo easy for so many women out there.
So having those friends, it was a lifesaver!
Then, one by one, they got pregnant.
And again, I thought it would kill me everytime.
But it didn't
God brought me through it.

I know God has a plan for us.
And ultimately His plan trumps mine.

I don't know why I needed to write all of this.
I feel like I am always trying to convince everyone around me that I am ok.
I'm ok when that person gets pregnant.
I'm ok when they have their baby.
I'm ok not having one.
And writing this, in a way, shows that I am not.
And it's true.
I'm not.
I know I'm not alone. Lots of people deal with this.
And I know I'm not special. My situation is not worse than anyone else.
But I needed to write this.
All of it was building up.
And now its out.

As of right now, there is no happy ending.
Not that right now its a sad ending.
Just an incomplete one.
But I still have faith that Gods plan is gonna be so much better than mine.


  1. First I want to say, thank you for being so real and honest. Second I want to say I'm truly sorry you're having to deal with this. I've only read a few posts so far from your blog but can already tell you and your hubby are wonderful people, those who are ready to open their hearts and lives to a little one, and many more after. I pray it will all work out for you soon. I agree that God has a plan for all of us and it's great to have faith in that. :)

  2. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am a ways away from having children, but my mom went through infertility for years after having my brother and me. I know how painful it was for her, and emotional toll it takes. Her story has a happy ending. My twin brother and sister are amazing, and I am so glad that she kept going in order to make them a part of our family.

  3. thank you for writing this post. so open, honest and refreshing. it's okay so say that you are upset. it's okay to admit that our will is not always in our hands. sending many prayers your way, girl, that everything will work out just the way it should, and that you will be blessed with a beautiful baby no matter how he/she gets to you! :)
    xo TJ

  4. That was such an open and honest post. My husband and I are not at the stage of trying yet (we're still pretty young and want to wait till residency), but that worry is in the back of my mind when we do get there (not that I have any idea if its a problem). However, you are not alone, and as you said, its in God's hands. I do hope things get better and you end up the wonderful mom that I'm sure you will be. Do you watch Guiliana and Bill? They are an inspiring couple in a similar situation.

  5. Great post and thanks for sharing. We tried for 3 years before I finally got pregnant at 31. It seemed like an eternity. A friend of mine tried for 6 years and had multiple IVF treatments only to get pregnant "naturally" after they gave up on IVF (how crazy is that?). She said it was "God's plan"...Hang in there. We've been where you are and it's hard to wait for something you want so much and seems so easy for others but remember God does have a plan.

  6. sending prayers of peace to you and your family. i have one five year old daughter (had a mirena iud placed after she was born and left it for nearly the whole five years). my dr. told me it was safe to try immediately and i got pregnant right away after it was removed, but it turned out to be ectopic. it was the hardest loss i've ever experienced. it is so hard to think that i may have done it to myself through my choice of birth control. the dr. wouldn't admit that mirena had anything to do with it, but when he left the nurse told me that she was sure it did. : ( here's to hoping that in the next few years we are each holding new babies!

  7. I pray for you guys SO often. Being faithful must be so hard for you two, but you continue to trust and obey. You are a living example of faith in action....daily! Keep your chin up kiddo- I truly believe God will bless you with the desires of your heart! Taylor and I love you guys!

  8. p.s. This is the first time I've looked at your blog on the computer instead of my phone, and it's so fun! I've never seen the design of it before, so, good work!

  9. Kristen,
    This is beautifully written. I have friends and family members suffering through this as well. I watched my sister go through a year of it and cried along with her. Its something you never think as a possibility.
    Your faith is tremendous and I have no doubt God has a grand plan for you. I think that you want a big family(so do I!) is beautiful! Its hard to see women who would make incredible mothers have to wait so long, and here there are babies lives being aborted daily. Doesn't make sense, but God sees all and makes all things new.
    Big hugs,

  10. Hi there! This is such a beautiful post and very powerful too. Me and my fiance have been told we will be unable to conceive naturally due to an illness he had when he was a teenager. The feelings you express in this post brings back a lot of memories of when I initially found out. Although we had not intended to have children yet as we're not even married, it's something that we've spoken about a lot. We've named our kids and we talked about them all the time. Finding out that our only chance of having children is through IVF or ICSI broke my heart but I pray everyday that He gives me the children I dream of, and I pray that you will to! And if I am not blessed with children, then I pray that I am given the strength to deal with it. You're a very inspirational lady with a very inspirational blog! Stay strong! XX

  11. You left a comment on my blog today. I came to visit and saw this post. It is heartfelt and raw. I admire that. I'm your newest follower....
    The world is a messy place and often I wonder "Why" as well. If only we could see as clearly as God does.

    lauren rebecca