Its a long one.

{via}

I'm a planner.

To a fault sometimes.

So of course, I had my life planned from the minute Travis asked me to be his wife.

We both wanted a big family.

I'm talking 5 or 6 kids.

So naturally we wanted to start pretty quick after we said I do.

We have some friends who got pregnant on their honeymoon, and while that wasn't necessarily what I wanted, in the back of my mind, it was what I thought would happen.

You see, Travis comes from a family of 9.

And his brother, he has 3 kids and they could've kept going if they wanted to, if you know what I mean.

So me and Travis having tons of kids, right away, that wasn't even a question in my mind.

Of course we would.

Well.

It didn't happen the way I planned.

1 year of trying turned into 2 years of trying, which turned into 4 and now, here we sit on 5.

I look back now and see Gods hand working in it.

We were long distance for so much of our dating relationship so I do believe that we needed those first couple years. To adapt. To really grow into our love.

And we would't have been able to build our dream house so early on in our lives.

That was such a blessing.

Of course there are other things too.

Vacations we went on.

Friends we made.

Growing in our faith.

Expereiences.

I am so thankful for all of them

But back to the trying.

After about 2 years, we decided to see a doctor.

We started fertility treatments.

They didn't really know why it wasn't working {which I think is worse than knowing}.

The hormones made me crazy.

I was bloated and emotional and every month, not being pregnant felt like it was going to kill me.

I would beg God for a baby.

He gave me this desire after all right?

I would beg Him to take the desire away if it wasn't His will.

I just needed to not hurt for a baby anymore.

In the process of it all, I found out friends were going through the same thing.
We bonded and cried together and I felt a little less alone.

See that is one of the worst things about infertility.

Feeling all alone.

I can't even explain it.

I just felt so alone. Like I wasn't a whole woman. I couldn't do something that was soo easy for so many women out there.

So having those friends, it was a lifesaver!

Then, one by one, they got pregnant.

And again, I thought it would kill me everytime.

But it didn't

God brought me through it.
Stonger.

I know God has a plan for us.

And ultimately His plan trumps mine.

I don't know why I needed to write all of this.

I feel like I am always trying to convince everyone around me that I am ok.

I'm ok when that person gets pregnant.

I'm ok when they have their baby.

I'm ok not having one.

And writing this, in a way, shows that I am not.

And it's true.
I'm not.

I know I'm not alone. Lots of people deal with this.

Lots.

And I know I'm not special. My situation is not worse than anyone else.

But I needed to write this.

All of it was building up.

And now its out.

As of right now, there is no happy ending.

Not that right now its a sad ending.

Just an incomplete one.

But I still have faith that Gods plan is gonna be so much better than mine.